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The following is an excerpt from A Nasty Life: The Unabridged Autobiography of Uncle James Nasty Partridge the Third:

...I wasn't going to go to the party. It was in the woods and there was going to be a lot of alcohol and we were all underage and I just knew it was a bad idea, but then I got a call from Mullows. He asked me if I was going. I don't know why, but I blurted out, "Yes, I'll see you there!" I couldn't believe I was agreeing to go, but Mullows has this power over me. I can't explain it. If he was going, I knew I wanted to be there.

Perhaps I should pause for a minute to describe Mullows. He's probably the most amazing person I have ever met. He is caring, generous, thoughful, and just so much more. His niceness is infection. He has these gorgous, mesmerizing blue eyes and this wide smile that just lights up a room. You could be in complete darkness but when Mullows smiles it's like turning on a flashlight.

And he's funny. My God he is so funny. He is the inspiration for the man I am today. Everytime he opens his mouth I laugh. And I'm not laughing at him like I do with most people. No, I laugh with him. He just cracks me up. Everything he says is golden. He could do stand-up, but he doesn't have time for that. He's too busy giving money to charity or donating his time to soup kitchens. Wow, what a great guy.

So anyway, I knew the party in the woods was a bad idea. But if Mullows was going I had to. So I took a shower, got dressed, spritzed myself with my cheap cologne, and left. On the ride over I had this horrible knot in my stomach. I just knew something bad was going to happen.

About twenty minutes later, my fears were realized...